Anxious I am, uneasy within! I am not sure if I wanna do this project. I didn't choose and I had no choice. In life, I might not get to choose everything. I love spaces, I do. So why don’t I wanna do?
This is a fast life, and the one I left behind.
It takes away my time and mind space for what I really really wanna do. Does it, or is it my fear. This is new. Last I did something like this, I was living on the last surviving thread for life. I am not the same person.
Will this affect my ability to think and feel in terms of artistic pieces? Yes I am scared. Scared because I am loosing time. And timing is everything, isn’t it? My time to shine was yesterday. But was I ready? I wasn’t. And I am now, and then my time is taken away by something else.
Woken up by the alarm. Way before my scheduled time, because I was to meet a friend before my flight. And also, this same friend was gonna drop me to the airport. A very first time in my life. I am so used to drivers and cabs. Not saying they aren’t human. And I have had hearty conversations with them too, that’s just my thing. But, someone picks you up and drops you is an act of love, that’s a new experience for me. And it’s special understanding, also because just a few days ago, I went to receive someone at the airport for the first time really! (Is it too late to have any first time experiences in your life, I wonder)
Some morning chaos and confusion, I am received with joy and that’s already changed my mood. Filled my heart with love. Grateful I am. Why did I not have this earlier in life, I wonder.
We now directly drive to the airport due to loss of time. And the plans of catching up is now postponed till I return. But in those 15 mins, friends exchange energies and understand the unspoken words. Both holding in the heavy shares, leaving it for the right moment when I return. Will there ever be a right moment, if we don’t take charge of our own time, I wonder.
Wishes are exchanged and I walk towards my entry gate. Lost, I ask a security personal, “air India gate?” “Kahin se bhi chale jao” as he says that he glances around and adds, “gate no 3 thoda khali hai, woh le lo.” Warm and friendly his energy, I walk to gate 3, for my mind was wandering and I trusted this human.
I join the queue. Waiting and observing quietly. So many people, so many stories, so many beginnings and endings, so many emotions, so many feelings, so much more and more, I wonder. My head already buzzing, and in the meantime I notice, a couple of people already late and trying to do the most cliched thing, “I am late, can I plz bypass the queue”. They try to have their way out from everywhere. The security sends them to another personal. And I wonder, how is it that more and more people are late now. I wonder if there was a separate line for passengers running late, will that be outnumbered by people who made it in time? I wonder if I deny someone the right to go before me, will I be less considerate or be called a bitch! I wonder, have we started taking life so much for granted that we feel it’s only about self. Each time I travel, I see more and more people running late. It’s almost as though it’s someone else’s responsibility to put you on the flight! Who is accountable here, I wonder!
I walk in towards my security and further onto immigration and there another person, requesting if she could bypass the line. There one more. I have nothing against anyone, but somehow it’s so normal, to not respect time, your own and others too. And if someone said no, they’d be termed selfish, rude. But who really is selfish, I wonder.
Further in, I moved and tried to find a spot where I could sit, in the cold airport. Sound of cutlery against the plates, heads dug into gadgets, ears plugged in with electronic jewellery, people sitting opposite each other and hardly talking, it’s normal. When did this really become normal, I wonder. The sun is beginning to show up thru the clouds and I find a spot to sit right where I could see it and maybe bathe in a little bit of sunshine too.
I go to grab myself a cup of coffee and one button, that’s all I needed to press and in a moment I had my coffee cup. There is no joy of making coffee and does that affect the taste of my coffee, I wonder. I wonder, when did I change from living in the fast lane to becoming more present. I am grateful I did, life’s more cherished. And then I sit there staring outside, jitters in my mind, doubting myself, I wonder will I do justice to myself. I look at sun, shining thru dark clouds, hope rising in my heart, things will move thru, listen to your heart, it will be okay, you will be okay. You are not the same Priti they knew. I get up to leave when it’s time, I walk to my gate to board the plane.
I wait as people queue up and I look around. Soon it’s the final call, and I join the queue. I reach the gate and am greeted with smiles, is it because it’s their job or are they truly all smiles, I wonder again!
Something different about this morning has got me wondering about everything. I am shown to my seat and greeted by a gentleman, who with a smile says, I just got to know last night that you were joining us on this flight. I am completely taken by surprise, I take my seat. Who is he and has he mistaken me for someone else, I wonder!!
